Guys Just Don't Understand

Bob and his wife Rachel were sleeping one late night in the middle of the winter. Rachel woke up at two o'clock in the morning with a craving for sweet potato pie. Obviously, this woman is pregnant but more importantly she is out of her mind. Bob woke up and decided it is best not to ask questions but instead fetch her midnight snack. When he got back to his wife with the pie, she decided that pie would make her fat and instead she wanted non-fat yogurt and jello. He submissively got her desires but again she changed her mind and had a new appetite for Chicken Parmesan. As he drove in his car listening to Lil Wayne, he wanted to concoct a plan so no matter what Rachel demanded he would have it. Of course when he returned home she wanted something knew but this time Bob was ready. He gave her his credit card and a yellow book filled with all the stores' phone numbers. However, now Rachel decided to just fall asleep.

Twilight Zone: PART II: The Unreal

With my book bag on my bag, I was heading home from school and I saw a sight that most people cannot even imagine. There was a bear and a humongous anaconda eating out of a dumpster. I attempted to slowly move past the creatures because my house was right across the street. I just reached the block and was safe from danger when I stepped on a bag of chips but this didn't startle the animals. However I immediately stepped on a rake that knocked me back across the street in front of the huge animals. I decided to outrun the animals and call animal control but when the van pulled up, two large talking tigers dressed in uniforms and asked what was the problem. I was so shocked that I just decided to go home and take a long nap.

The Perfect Bathroom

A bathroom can become a magnificent piece of art with just a few miner changes. First, the toilet has to be solid gold with diamonds all around the seat. Also, the curtains should be painted by a famous artist specifically for the owners of the bathroom. Instead of water coming out of the shower, soda or juice should come out of it and food should be served during the shower. The sink should be made from magnificent sequoia trees and the floor should be made from functioning televisions protected by a glass screen. Most importantly, there should be a robot which performs your every need such as applying your hair conditioner and fetching your bathrobe. These conditions may be hazardous to our health but technology is a powerful thing.

Twilight Zone

I awake in a daze in the middle of an alley that was pitch black with only the light from a streetlamp. I was in despair and afraid for my life . I saw a group of men come up to me and I thought two things: these people are going to massively destroy my figure or they are merely passing on their nightly jog. I was completely wrong but I wish I wasn't. The five guys who were surprisingly well dressed surrounded me and as soon as I rose from the ground they began to dance. Almost as if it was a musical, they were singing, spinning and twirling but I couldn't understand why. I attempted to figure out why they were executing to perfection fantastic and acrobatic moves but they wouldn't let me speak a word. They just continued to dance and suddenly they stopped and walked away as if nothing had occurred but I know for sure that it wasn't a dream .......or was it?

Smooth

Joe went to his middle school Halloween dance on Friday night. He knew that this could be a great memory for him and his friends but he was a bit nervous when he got around girls. Even thinking about speaking to a girl, he began to shake and foam at the mouth. After wiping his mouth, he realized that the dance hall was two blocks away and he began to feel sick. He knew he would eventually have to speak to girls but he didn't want to seem foolish and ridiculous in front of the girls and especially his macho friends. However, when he got to the party he saw to gangs facing each other with one gang being all the boys and the other being the girls. He was relieved but instead of just standing with the guys he went over and asked a girl to dance. She said yes and in his mind he could only think ,"Oh man! I forgot that I don't know how to dance."

Cinderella Rays

The World Series in baseball is so close I can touch it. The baseball playoffs started about three weeks ago and it has shocked the world from the beginning. The best records in baseball belonged to the Cubs and the Angels but both teams were eliminated as soon as you blinked. Then the story turned to the seemingly dominant Red Sox team and powerful Dodgers team that were destined to play in the finals. Manny Ramirez would attempt to dethrown his former Red Sox team by blasting homerubn after homerun but would ason Bay prove his value by taking his team all the way to the end. Now everyone is glued to their seats as the young Rays team has come up from the worst record in baseball to the Cinderella story. They are one game from eliminating the Red Sox and becoming the favorite in the World Series. I guess Disney dreams are possible.

LiL Wayne's The President

I want to ask everyone to please stop calling Lil Wayne a bad rap artist. He is a lyrical genius and his flow is both articulate and creative. His rhymes are perfectly executed and his album, The Carter 3, has sold about one million records in the first week. Mr. Carter understands what it takes to be an imaginative artist and respects the abilities of others as he says in his song, Mr.Carter, "when you mention Biggie, Pac and Jay-Z don't forget Weezy baby." He may seem extremely confident but all rappers are cocky at times in their lyrics. His lyrics are carefully planned out and although You may not be fond of him, others like his songs and everyone has equal right to have their own opinion.

Department of Boredom

Today, I decided to take a field trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get my state identification card but I didn't expect to walk into a state of boredom. As soon as I got to the door there was a long line where it took about an hour to reach the front. Then when I reached the front of the line I went to a clerk who made sure all of my information was accurate and then I waited on a bench until my number was called. I took a picture when my number was called and I believe it was a pretty good picture. Anyways, I went back to the beautiful bench after I took the picture and waited again for my number to be called so all my information could be finalized into the system. The ending product of this tiresome process was a piece of paper with information that I already know. I couldn't believe it.

The "Incredible" Ant

Derek was a usually humble young man but in his first day of high school his attitude changed and he became a egotistical maniac who believed that the only way to survive was by destroying the confidence of others. One by one, he took down every "nerdy" kid that crossed his path. Becoming the "Incredible Hulk" of his school, he pushed small kids into lockers, bigger kids into garbage cans, and even bigger kids into the girl's bathroom. It seemed as if the massive bullying would never end until he finally met his match. Derek may act tough but inside he was just a weak little boy and "nerdy" Kevin knew it. When Derek tried to push Kevin into a garbage can, Kevin pushed him back and knocked him onto the floor. Although Derek was stunned and didn't know what to do, Kevin merely smiled and walked away. Soon he turned around and said, "You can act tough to seem tough but sooner or later the small ant destroys the large grasshopper."

A "MODEST" WEDDING PROPOSAL

While growing up as a child and in your early teen years, you learn from Disney that the world always works out well for people with traditional morals and that true love exists everywhere. In reality, we understand and learn that love may possibly never exist and marriage may just be the beginning of a horrible end. We meet many women in our lives but none of them seem to be the perfect women that will satisfy our endless list of needs. One woman will not be extremely beautiful, cook the best dinners each night, do all the laundry and clean the whole house, but also let her husband take part in any crucial decisions. This may just be an impossible and unrealistic dream which all men have but maybe just maybe our Disney dream will become a reality.

All women should be put through a special marriage program where they learn how to be specialized to their specific husband. They will learn how to perform all the duties that their husband desires and become submissive to their every whim. They will learn how to make all sorts of meals so the husband's appetite will always be satisfied. Also, they will be adept at laundry and house cleaning so that all the clothes are spotless and the house are sparkly clean. They will dress according to what the husband wants her to wear and only perform the tasks that he wants. She will take out the garbage, help the kids with their homework, and if he desires take him a bath. She will be a household slave that asks her husband for his permission to do anything. A perfect wife that will be the foundation for a perfect marriage.

Obviously, this will never be true but a great marriage is possible in this dangerous world. When you find that special person you will never want to be single ever again and will want to be only with this one person. A great marriage includes trust and a wonderful bond between the two people. They enjoy each other's company and enjoy similar activities. They separate the chores of the house and spend equal amount of time with the children. They give each other space and respect each other as they will do anything for one another even give the other partner a kidney. The Disney dream may never come true but it's worth the effort to try to get close to it.